Adam Torkildson
At a guess, I’d say clothes. Yes, most definitely. You need clothes at a movie premiere. So to reiterate:
What to wear to a movie premiere?
If you go as a nudist you’ll find the seats, even the plush ones, to be rather uncomfortable. Cold, even. And if you happen to get lucky and grab a stratoliner, well it’s best not to let the mind dwell on such revolting mental images.
So let’s get back to clothes at a movie premiere.
Or maybe back up some more to ask: “Who the heck goes to a movie premiere anymore? When was the last time YOU went to one, boychik? Do they even still have movie premieres anymore? At Grauman’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood? At Radio City Music Hall in New York? At the Varsity Theater in Dinkytown? Doubtful. Highly doubtful. Now out in Bollywood, on the subcontinent of India, every major movie gets a big splashy premiere. So maybe we should take a peek at what the nabobs out there wear to ‘em. Turns out the men wear turbans with polo shirts and slacks while the women wrap themselves up in colorful saris and get a third eye tattooed on their forehead with henna. Not to be ethnocentric or anything, but is that quite the thing for a homegrown movie premiere in, say, Des Moines? That’s assuming the talkies have come to Des Moines . . .
What should I wear to a movie premiere?
Okay. Okay. Things have gotten a little out of hand here. Going far afield to Bombay, for instance. Of course, there are still movie premiers out there in Tinsel Town. Though maybe without spotlights, confetti, and limousines pulling up to the curb and celebrities strutting up a red carpet.
After a thorough study of contemporary premiere attire, here’s the skinny.
Movie premiere dresses
Does this include kilts? If you’re Sean Connery, yes. Any other man – hit the road, Jock. So, dresses. Celebrity dresses. An interesting concept. Dresses on women. Is that sexist or what? Today’s woman can wear any darn thing she wants to a movie premiere. Including slacks. Culottes. Bikini. Aluminum foil. Hemp fibers. Top hats. Stiletto heels. But never, no never, can a woman wear fur. That’s out. Like smoking. Or chastity. Any woman who wears fur to a movie premiere, be they Angelina Jolene or Drew Barrymore, can expect to be tarred and feathered and rode out of town on a KIA.
It is predicted that at the next Hollywood premiere (which will probably be for Disney’s ‘Fifty Shades of Mickey Mouse) the femme fatales of Beverly Hills will be dressed thus:
Jennifer Lawrence is dressed in a chic sarong made of hemp fiber dyed deep purple, with a lace collar made of recycled plastic bags. She will have a Komodo dragon on a leash and her purse is a repurposed shopping cart.
Scarlett Johansson shows up wearing a giant white tube sock, with arm holes. She’s wearing an original French hat shaped like the Oscar Meyer weinermobile. It even has working headlights and a horn that goes ‘bip’ ‘bip.’
Emma Watson undoubtedly sashays down the aisle in a cocktail dress made entirely of recycled newspaper and dyed a striking robin’s egg blue. Her matching seersucker gloves leave everyone agog. And the riding crop she carries is no mere prop; she uses it to beat off the swarming paparazzi unmercifully.
Movie premiere attire
Now in the good old days in Hollywood, any premiere worth its salt had the men all decked out in tuxedos and women adorned in taffeta ballroom gowns (like these). A little known fact about the tuxedo is that it used to be made out of the leather of the African tuxedo cat – a vicious carnivore that stalked the jungles of the Limpopo river delta devouring little children like popcorn. When the tuxedo cat went extinct in the 1950s the garment was manufactured from asphalt. It weighed a ton and smelt to high heaven.
Nowadays, of course, the men wear just any old thing. Vin Diesel, for instance, always wears a plain white t-shirt with no pocket and a pair of Levis. Anyone looks at him askance and he punches their face in.
Tom Cruise wears a sweat suit stuffed with hundred dollar bills, which he passes out to the many Hollywood producers who constantly crowd around him imploring “Baksheesh!”
Johnny Depp may show up wearing anything at all – from a New York Yankees uniform to a Turkish caftan.
The main idea should be comfort
In today’s anything-goes Hollywood, comfort is the main consideration at a movie premiere. You’ll find the men wear Crocs and the women prefer huaraches. Hats, for the most part, are out. Although an occasional celebrity will doff a bowler hat in order to improvise a Charlie Chaplin imitation.
The braless look is for men, but not for women. The bowtie is so passe that you’ll find only the ushers wearing them. The male celebrities prefer a necklace of puka shells around the neck, or a wreath of gardenias twined in their hair. The carpeting is made out of polyester – not the clothing.
The Next Big Thing predicted for Hollywood premiers is that the stars will show up in the pajamas – the better to sleep through it all. Because, let’s face it, movies today are sleepier than ever. Of course some stars can get away with wearing just a snood. And others ought to wear a snood, over their entire head.
The final word
The final word, of course, should come from the public. From those who wait in long lines at the box office and sit through the drama and drama just to see their favorite stars. What does the public want their stars to wear at a movie premiere? Strangely enough, there has never been a poll done on this.
So the next time you are in a crowded elevator or on a packed bus, please turn to your fellow passenger and ask “Hey, what do you think Will Smith should wear to the next Hollywood premiere?” Then send us the results.
