Title: The King’s Daughter
Directed By: Sean McNamara
Narrated By: Julie Andrews
Release Date: January 21, 2022
Domestic Distributor: Gravitas Ventures
Cast: Pierce Brosnan, Kaya Scolelario, William Hurt
Rated: PG
Genre: Adventure Animation 

Box Office Information

• Budget: $40,500,000
• Financed by: Universal Home Entertainment
• Domestic Box Office Gross: $1,747,263

Official Trailer

Synopsis 

Once upon a time in a make-believe land called France a fat old king decided he was not going to die. It seemed to him that dying was a waste of time. There were better things to do than to lay around in a coffin six feet underground – like eat rich pate till it came out your ears and goose pretty young girls by the carload. Plus, no one comes to visit you when you’re dead. And maybe, just maybe, there was something to this religion thing – that after this life there’s another, much longer one, where you have to admit to your mistakes and then start paying for them. Maybe with a little pitchfork motivation. All this made the fat old king anxious to avoid the Grim Reaper. So he asked his court astrologers and his court physicians and his court toadies just exactly how does one go about cheating death.

Of course, if any of his lackies knew how to keep from dying they would practice the secret themselves and live forever. But since none of them had any idea how to live one day longer than was ordained, they really had nothing to tell the king. But you don’t last very long at court if you don’t have a ready answer for royalty whenever they ask something. Even if you have to make it up yourself.

So his courtiers made up a bunch of hooey. Such as:

You’ll live forever if you keep a prune in your left ear.

Long life comes to those who drink the dew off of patio furniture.

Try reading Tolstoy’s War and Peace. It’ll take forever, if you don’t die of boredom first.

And . . . capture a mermaid to sleep with.

Well, the fat old king naturally decided to go for the last suggestion. Wouldn’t you? It sounds like a lot of fun, and if it didn’t work – well, at least you’d have something to brag about in the next life. Right?

But in these kinds of fairy tale movies there’s always something stuck up the flue. In this case it’s one of the king’s many illegitimate children. A daughter who decides to beat her fat old father to the punch and capture a mermaid herself. It’s unclear what she intends to to do with the fishy female once she lays hold of it. But in these kinds of stories that doesn’t matter. It’s all in the paranoid monologues the daughter recites as the movie meanders about like a rudderless garbage scow in a high wind.

But the mermaid in question finally manages to escape the clutches of everyone seeking her captivity and swims to South Korea, where she signs up with a K-pop band.

 

Pierce Brosnan, what did you do?

Every Hollywood star is allowed to make one authentic stinker. A movie so off the rails that it takes years to be released after it is finished, and when it is released everyone involved realizes that the film should have gone straight to video and stayed completely out of cinema theaters.

The King’s Daughter is Brosnan’s one stinker. He’s actually a fine actor and all around nice guy, but for reasons that only Buddha, Vishna, and Mary Ann Baker know, he bobbles the role of the fat old king in a manner to embarass thespians world wide. 

This movie was held back for release nearly 7 years by Paramount. If that doesn’t tip you off to something rotten in Denmark, then there’s this new cryptocurrency platform we’d like to interest you in . . . 

Box Office Numbers

With a production budget of $40,500,000, a worldwide box office percent 0.00 for the production budget, The King’s Daughter took $1,747,263 domestically and grossed 0.0 overseas at the box office.

The King’s Daughter played to 2170 theaters and took 723,151 (41.4% of total gross) in its opening weekend.

The film played to a total of 2170 theaters domestically and took a domestic share of 100%.

Having ranked 8th in its opening weekend, The KIng’s Daughter dropped to 13th in its second weekend – running for a total of 2.1 weeks, with an average weekend domestic gross of $280 per theater based on a 2.1 weeks average run per theater.

The King’s Daughter was released to a total of 0 countries internationally, so only the worldwide rank was affected in the totals. Domestic rank ended at 7868. Worldwide rank was 12684.